blogHiking at Weeki Wachee Nature Preserve

February 15, 2015
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A hero’s tale.

In the land of Florida, there is a village known as Weeki Wachee. This is an enchanted village, where waters run crystal clear and stay cool even when the air temperatures are ungodly high. These waters are known to cure the worst cases of summertime ailments, including, but not limited to, heat induced irritation, soggy pits and swamp-butt. For decades, the waters that run through the village have attracted one of the most majestic creatures in the world, mermaids. Tucked away in a remote area of Weeki Wachee is a special place, a place meant to preserve the original beauty of the land while outer areas are developed. I had visited this village a few times before, but this was my first experience in the preserved portion.

I had heard the possible dangers of trekking through the preserve woodlands, mainly itchy vines and occasional bears. No itchy vines were touched and no bears encountered, but the creatures I did find were much more bothersome and frightening. Luckily, I have been blessed with certain powers to fight off such creatures.

Here is my tale…

Sawyer vs. The Snapchat Dragon and The HipCat Triad

When I arrived at the preserve, there were trees and trails as far as the eyes could see. The cluster of lakes were a sight to see, with waters that glistened in a spectrum of hues from deep cerulean blue to a bright chartreuse, with some golden ochre mixed about. So glorious were these water bodies, I couldn’t believe they were real. With such beauty to behold, I was eager to start my adventure through the Weeki Wachee wilderness.

I began the adventure by following an open trail to a large sandhill, so I could better see the lay of the land. As I made my ascent up the dune, I heard a loud cackle coming from the top. A bit nervous about what may await me above, I kept walking. Reaching the top, I saw the creature that produced the cackle, it was the Snapchat Dragon. These are similar to Hydra in that they have multiple heads. The Snapchat Dragon is a social media fiend and its multiple faces have the sole purpose of optimum selfie output. Each face has a pre-programmed expression, so the muscles on said faces aren’t over-exerted in the process. Made uncomfortable by others viewing the sacred act of selfie production, she retreated down the embankment. Relieved that the dragon had gone away, I stood and enjoyed the view and the quiet. It was so calm, in fact, that I heard the flutter of a bird’s wings as it flew past. My peace was short-lived, as these dragons LOVE attention. As she stomped away, she had lost her footing and fell, belting out a loud howl. “Oh, my, God! You have to snapchat that, let me do it again”, she screamed to a smaller dragon waiting below. Upshot, Sawyer possesses nonsense deflectors.

After the sandhill portion of the exploration, we ventured into the forest. Seeing as how I had already encountered an unexpected nuisance, I had to be prepared in the event a bear crossed our path. So, I found a large bear stick and we were on our way. We walked for a good while, passing amber colored streams and various animal tracks on the way. The sun was getting low, so we knew it was time turn around.

Upon exiting the forest, I saw something strange moving in the distance. Pulling out my Eagle Eye Vision, I could see that it was clearly the HipCat Triad. All the characteristics were present, the perfectly messy (but not too messy tendrils), clad completely in garb from the Outfitters of the Urban. The triad is comprised of 3 super-cool sisters known as Ignorance, Selfishness and Apathy. Turning on my 6 Million Dollar Man-style bionic vision, I could tell it was absolutely them as they were all consuming special witches brews, which are prohibited in the preserve. With my bionic vision, I noticed that one of the sisters (either Ignorance or Selfishness) had thrown her empty can of Miller’s Luminescent Brew into the sawgrass. Locking in on the can with my super-human vision, I was able to rescue the can from the grass and bring it home for recycling. The Triad was defeated!

Despite the run-ins with some unsavory creatures, the trip was still worth it. I saw some of the most lovely views of Florida nature I had ever seen, I didn’t get eaten by a bear and I de-littered the preserve a bit.

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